Reasons you know it is time to go to the gym

Chris and I are back to the gym. We realized that it was time to get back into shape and on monday Chris went and signed us up. On Wednesday Chris was reminded that we made the right decision. Our great friends invited us over for dinner and they have a 5 and 3 year-old. As we stood around talking, the five year-old ran by chris, hit him in the stomach and called him panza and basically told Chris he needed to lose the gut. So funny! You should have seen Chris' face. I love that kids always tell the truth :)

Not Fun

Ten days into the new year I found myself in the hospital again. I had my second miscarriage Saturday night and I am really confused about how to deal with it this time. I thought that it would be better, as if the loss of a life that you were so prepared to love could get easier in any way, but it is not. I feel like after the first time I was still full of so much hope, however much I tried to down play it. "It won't happen again." "Everything happens for a reason." "It just wasn't the right timing." "It will happen for us next time."
This time those thoughts are not really going through my head. I feel empty and numb. I feel angry (something I don't want to feel), and jealous, and so overwhelmingly sad that those hopeful thoughts and reassurances have not been able to make their way into my brain, and there doesn't seem to be anything to make it better. I have been flooded with supportive phone calls and visits and flowers, all wonderful things that I appreciate more then everyone can know. But, what do you tell someone at a time like this? How do you make them feel better? I have never been really good at that sort of thing. It is hard to find the words, and to presume that you know what someone is feeling even if you have been through the same thing. I search for the right thing to say in those situations, but I am not sure that there is a right thing. I think that what I have figured out is that the words themselves will never make someone feel better, but the action of making the phone call to check in or sending the quick note or stopping by, lets the person know that you are thinking of them, that you love them, and that if you could make the pain go away you would.That love and support has helped me, and sometimes no words at all do the most. I got home from the hospital at 3 a.m. sunday and when I awoke I had a wonderful husband and a loving sister just ready to sit with me, do nothing else but sit, watch a little t.v., eat, and look at some magazines.And as I sat there all day long, the sadness began to lift, I started to talk, and then laugh, and it was just comforting to know that they would have sat there as long as I needed them to.

2008- What a year!

2008 was a year full of highs and lows. I have had some of the most amazing and most tragic events of my life happen all in one year, and it makes me anxious and hopeful for 2009. Lets break it down to Love, Travel, Health, and Home.

Love- Oct. 2008 marked our second wedding anniversary. Married life is amazing and I continue to feel so lucky that I have Chris. This new years marked nine years for our relationship and it is such a special feeling to have someone in your life that has seen you through everything. My sister's were 13 and 15 when we got together! He has seen them grow and we have grown together. For our anniversary he took me to Paradise cove for a beautiful sunset and dinner. I also added a couple of new loves to my life this year: charlie and dodger. They are my babies. i spoil them rotten and love them to death.

Travel- 2008 was not the biggest travel year for me because of the health and home category, which I will discuss. Nevertheless, I was still able to travel to a few new places. Chris and I started the year with a trip to Vancouver. I loved it there! The city, snow, and wonderful outdoor adventures were amazing. We walked across Capilano suspension bridge, went to the mountains to play in snow, and took a seaplane ride to Victoria for the day.The Next rip was a girls trip with my mom and sister. We spent a few nights in Seattle, and I loved it. Like Vancouver, I had never been to Seattle. We ate, walked, shopped, went to the space needle... (about every touristy thing you could think of). And before we left, my mom and whit got some ink. After that Chris and I spent a few weekends traveling around California. San Diego for a week, Orange County of Jessica's wedding, San Jose for Will's wedding, Santa Cruz, and Catalina.

Health- This was a category I never really dealt with before, but this year it consumed me. We started the year with Keely in the hospital. She spent a week in the hospital with kidney failure due to pneumonia. She thought it was the flu and it obviously wasn't. That was crazy! Then my grandpa spent 11 days in a coma. All of this was just in February! He did recover but has been back to the hospital 3 times since. Then I had to have surgery in August. I spent the entire summer blissfully pregnant (one of the highs), but at 10 weeks found out that I miscarried. August 18th I had to have the first surgery I have ever gone through. It was, without a doubt, the most horrible, depressing, and lonely experience I have ever gone through.

Home- Lets end on a high note. Amongst the fun, travel, and hospital visits Chris and I spent most of 2008 looking to buy our first home. In September we got the keys, and for the past three months we have put a lot of time into making it our home. It has been a stressful but amazing experience. It is a place that I feel safe and happy. It is a place where I have already hosted Thanksgiving, a housewarming party, and a New Year's party. Filling the house with friends and family has been such a highlight for me, and it is one of the experiences that has truly made it a home. We spent the last day of 2008 in our home with friends and family, eating drinking, singing, laughing, and looking forward to the things that await us in 2009!

Griffith Park

Since we have moved into to house, I have felt that every weekend has been devoted to cleaning, painting, mowing, unpacking... you get the picture. We really have not had much time to get out of town and do something different. So Sunday we decided to do just that. We took a drive into L.A. to go the the Griffith Park Observatory, and it was wonderful. I have not been since the renovation, and it was great. We took in the Planetarium show (no more wooden headrests for those that went pre-renovation days), ate at the new cafe, looked at the exhibits, and hiked on some of the surrounding trails. The views from up top were great, and we ate out on the balcony which overlooked L.A. It was such a nice day. Sometimes you just need to take off and do something different. I was so glad we did.

December

I can't believe it is December. This month always puts me in a weird mood. It is a combination of wonderful seasonal cheer and annoyance. I love to decorate the tree, listen to the music, walk through the neighborhood to look at the lights, and snuggle up to watch a good holiday movie, but get me in a mall and I turn into a different person! I was at the mall for about thirty minutes on Sunday and I became agitated and bitter, the opposite of what I wanted to feel as I walked past Santa. I can not be frazzled over presents this year. I do not want to be cursing the crowds as I search for a loved ones gift. Instead I think I will curl up on the couch, light the tree, and turn on a good movie.

Speaking of good movies, Whitney just bought me Holiday Inn on DVD. It is my favorite Christmas Movie, but has always been overshadowed by the movie White Christmas (boo). A few years ago I searched for the movie but could only find one old VHS at a video store and since it had never been rented they sold it too me. But now it is on DVD. If you haven't seen it, watch it. Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, singing and dancing...I love it!

HOME

Chris and I have been in our new house for almost three months now, and it is finally begining to feel like a home. All of the little touches that make a house feel yours have fallen into place, and this is now a place where I feel safe and happy. I think that part of it has to do with the entertaining we have done lately. We had a housewarming party, and our family and friends came to celebrate the house with us. I also hosted Thanksgiving this year. My family and Chris's parents came over. Having everyone over was so comforting and fun! It added a warmth to the house. Also, our two puppies have definitely helped us to break in the place. Everyday we spend in this house I feel more and more lucky about the path that Chris and I have taken and what we have accomplished together. I find myself day dreaming about what is to come, and what we will fill these rooms with. It makes me so happy, and hopeful!

Some pics of the progress we have made:

How is it possible?

It has been a tough week so please bear with me. I feel like I have been really negative lately but I have to get this off of my chest. Yesterday was an overwhelming day for many reasons. Over the years I have developed strong relationships with students. There are usually a few every year that I become close with. I learn more about them then my other students, and for one reason or another they are comfortable with me and like to share their life with me. Last year a lunch crew started to form in my room and since then I have had many of these students come in everyday. I have one student who comes in before school to finish up homework, at lunch to hang out and talk, and after school to wait for his mom to pick him up. I have also had the pleasure of teaching him in his freshmen and now sophomore English class. And after learning so much about him, his family, his dreams, his academics, it is hard for me to deal with the news I received yesterday. His father died suddenly of a heart attack at the age of 52. I try to process that news and my heart breaks. How does a 15 year old boy handle that. Every time I think of his amazing spirit and how crushed it must be right now, I fall apart. It is just not fair. How does he deal, how does he come back to school, sit in my class, and learn Subject/Verb agreement. I am so sad for him, and I don't know what I can do to help.
If that wasn't bad enough, one hour later I learned that another one of my students is being raped by her father. An incident that has already been reported and is being investigated, but she wanted me to know why she was missing class so much. I feel sick that she had to go through that, and as she revealed to me the details of the situation she came across as though she thought it was her fault. I took off my teacher hat and became the best counselor I knew how to be.

I think about what my students are dealing with and it hurts. They shouldn't have to worry about these things. They shouldn't have to be anything but a happy teenager. I also think about the enormity that is my job. How do I teach someone that has gone through more in there short life than I have? How do I teach someone who's mind is dealing with grief, and sadness, and confusion, and anger and...

I just don't know if it is possible sometimes.

WORK :(

As you may have noticed, it has been a while since I have been able to contribute to my blob, the main reason being work. I have been so busy lately that even the enjoyable things in my life have felt dampened because of the level of exhaustion I am at lately. I do like my work, and a lot of the times love it, but i wish that I was rewarded for doing a good job. Most of the time I am satisfied with knowing that I did well, but why is it so hard for someone to tell you, "job well done." In my profession (teaching) we work tirelessly, and do not get paid for the endless amounts of hours we spend outside of our classroom planning, grading, coaching, tutoring, mentoring, the list goes on. I helped to plan an event last Saturday, which was a huge success, but did not earn a dime for it, and then when credit was being given, I was completely looked over. I guess it doesn't help that I work with an insane blowhard that likes to make himself look wonderful! If he could some how figure out a way to take credit for the creation of the universe he would. The point is that I did a good job and sometimes you just need to feel like someone noticed.

Proposition

After yesterdays election, I have conflicting feelings. I am excited and upset, hopeful yet disheartened. My anger does not come from the Presidential election. America made history yesterday and I was part of it. Obamas victory is a victory for so many people who thought that this day would never come. I look at my students, students who were elated today, and I am happy that they have been given a new sense of hope and a new understanding of what is possible for them in the future. They know now that you can be white, black, asian, hispanic, a woman, and still have the opportunity, there is still a posibility for you to be something bigger than you ever thought possible. This is not where my frustration lies.

I am angered and hurt by my state. How is it possible that the state of California voted yes on Proposition 8. Proposition 8 eliminates the right for same-sex couples to marry in California. This proposition eliminates the right of a human being in our country. I just can not see any right in that. Many people that I have discussed this with tell me that same-sex couples can still have a civil union (a fact that I am not certain is true) and that they will still have some rights, just not marriage. My students and I are reading George Orwell's Animal farm and one of the comandments in the book states "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others." Is this not what California is saying with the passing of prop. 8. "They can be together, but they just can't get married like everyone else." Ridiculous! We are all equal, but if you are a homosexual you are not as equal as everyone else. Separate but equal is not right and the days of Jim Crow are gone! If one human being loves another human being, they should be able to marry that person, and spend the rest of their life with that person. I will never see any wrong in that.

VOTE

I voted, and it felt good!